for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize