In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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