I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
