When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
