just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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