i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
