AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
