Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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