Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
