well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
