i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
