I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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