Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
