my phone needs a breathalizer
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
