I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
