Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
