She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
