Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
