don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
