I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
