The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
