Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
