Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
