I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
