You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
