somebody snuck up and got me drunk
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
