Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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