im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
