We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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