I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize