Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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