Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
