she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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