and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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