She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
BRING THE BAGELS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
