It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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