Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you had me at cake vodka
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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