I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
