you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
