I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
