we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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