Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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