Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
