one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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