he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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