If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
