how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
