Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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