I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
