I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
