she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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