you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
