I think my fart just growled at me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
