Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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