I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
