mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
