I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So vagazzling was a success
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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