Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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