A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
