Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize