She is in my trunk
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
