Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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