You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
