On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
